Deep-Fried Crimes Against Humanity: A Field Guide to This Year's State Fair Menu, Ranked With Prejudice

Every summer, America's state fairs engage in an arms race of culinary escalation, and every summer, we say the same thing: surely they've hit the limit. They have not hit the limit. They will never hit the limit. The limit does not exist, and it is deep-fried.

We've assembled the definitive ranking — ten abominations that should face a tribunal, and five works of genius that justify the entire enterprise. Disagreement is encouraged. That's what the comment section is for.

The Ten That Should Be Illegal

10. Deep-Fried Jell-O. Gelatin does not want this. Gelatin has never wanted this. You cannot fry a food whose defining characteristic is structural surrender. This is a war crime against dessert texture.

9. The Corn Dog Stuffed With Mac and Cheese, Wrapped in Bacon, on a Stick. At some point, a stick is not enough. This is three foods cosplaying as one, and none of them are happy about it. One bite and you need a nap in the shade.

8. Pickle Juice Slushies. Look, we love pickles. We love slushies. But combining them produces a beverage that tastes like the memory of a bad decision. The vendor selling this should be legally required to watch you drink it.

7. Deep-Fried Butter. We get the concept. We understand the ambition. But eating hot, molten butter wrapped in batter is not food — it's a dare with a $9 price tag and a cardiologist on speed dial.

6. Spaghetti and Meatballs on a Stick. The structural engineering required to keep pasta on a stick means the pasta is now glue. You are eating glue with marinara. Admission of defeat.

5. The Donut Cheeseburger. The sweet-savory burger has been done, sometimes well. But stacking a full patty between two glazed donuts at a fair where it's 94 degrees means you're eating warm dough grease soup with a side of beef.

4. Fried Tequila. Alcohol. Battered. Fried. The frying process cooks off the only reason anyone would order it. You're paying $12 for warm batter with a rumor of tequila in it.

3. The 22-Inch Pizza Slice With a Full Slice of Cheesecake on Top. This isn't fusion. This is two vendors fighting over the same tray.

2. Deep-Fried Whole Pickle Wrapped in Cotton Candy. Sweet, sour, hot, cold, and regret — all five flavors in one bite. Whoever invented this has never had a peaceful day in their life.

1. The Fried Everything Burrito. A burrito, already a complete food, deep-fried in its entirety, then drizzled with queso and crushed Flamin' Hot Cheetos. There is no version of eating this that ends well. There is only the before and the long after.

The Five That Are Actual Genius

5. Roasted Corn With Chipotle Butter. Simple, smoky, perfect. The fair food that doesn't need a gimmick because it already won.

4. The Turkey Leg the Size of a Small Dog. No stick. No batter. Just a caveman-sized piece of smoked poultry and the primal joy of eating it in public. Timeless.

3. Cheese Curds, Fresh and Battered. Wisconsin's gift to the fairgrounds. The squeak is the point. If your curds don't squeak, find a different vendor and never look back.

2. The Maple-Bacon Funnel Cake. Yes, it's a hybrid. But it's a hybrid that understands itself. The maple cuts the salt, the bacon cuts the sweet, and the funnel cake ties the room together. This is how you do fusion, people.

1. Fresh-Squeezed Lemonade in a Souvenir Cup. The most honest transaction at any fair in America. You pay too much, you get a genuinely great lemonade, and you get a cup you'll keep in a cabinet for eleven years. Flawless business model. Zero notes.

The verdict? The fair remains the last place in America where culinary ambition and complete recklessness shake hands. God bless every single vendor. Even the pickle juice ones. Mostly.